Sunday, May 17, 2009

Deceptive Images

I'm buying a house.

Or at least I'm trying to. But the market is just not making it easy. Do you want to know what the average (i.e., normal, slightly broke, yet hopeful) buyer goes through on a daily basis? This is what happens: Your agent sends you prospects. You find the perfect house. Then your agent calls and tells you there is someone in line ahead of you. You say, okay, that's fine, let's bid. That's when your agent breaks the news that the people you're up against have suitcases full of cash they'd stashed offshore for tax avoidance purposes and there is no way you're getting the house. So they advice you to start looking at your 2nd and 3rd (and 89th) choices.

Thus I've been spending my off days looking at ugly homes.

I'm officially a bottom feeder.

These real estate agents, they're more imaginative than a romance novelist. (Rich, handsome, ripped men with no annoying relatives marrying plump, plain women with no jobs, personalities or self esteem? Really?) Agents are just plain fanciful (desperate). Example: Listing # 90030952. The agent states, "Great opportunity for a kitchen designed and put in by you! The last owner liked the kitchen so much it went with them!" Wow! Who doesn't want to cook off of a hot plate for 6 months? But those are just words.

You know what they say about pictures.

One house showed pretty well online. Here are the pictures the agent posted:

Here are the pictures I took:

When I walked into the house I looked around, looked at my agent and asked, "Are you @#$%ing kidding me?"

This house, which is priced at $187,000, looks like they'd used it as a set for the Saw movies and The Last House on the Left.

My first inclination was to flee and take a shower. Not just any shower, but one of those Karen Silkwood I've-been-exposed-to-radiation kind of scrub downs in which yellow suit clad workers come in with brushes and lye soap. My agent assured me she'd seen worse, much worse, yet this did not make me actually feel any better.

It was freakin' horrible! You should see the pictures I didn't take. (There was no way I was going into that garage.) I started flipping out, my mind screaming, "I'm never going to get a house! I might as well spend my savings on cosmetic surgery and then marry a rich guy who already owns a mansion but is looking for a plastic trophy of a wife to complete his collection!"

After I disinfected and calmed down a bit, I decided to have a little fun with my pictures and fd's Flickr Toys.

And I bet you thought magazine cover generators were only for happy images.


  1. It is insane, isn't it? I've been trying to buy for two months and things keep falling through. I have a good realtor though--I'll give you her number if you want. She isn't smarmy and has tried really hard. I get more discouraged all the time.

  2. What??? You're not a Saw fan? Heh. Those pictures are really scary. Don't give up, guys!

  3. You should have seen my agent's face as soon as she pulled up. She said, "You're not going to like this," before debating if we should even step inside. She'd called the other agent, but there was no warning---not even the line about "needing a little TLC." We saw a few houses that day, but the one I liked had 8 million other people liking it, too.

  4. So, one of these days can I take you to lunch and you fill me in on all the joys of house hunting? Because I think I'd like to buy, but I'm not sure. About any of it.

  5. This is absolutely hilarious. And that's coming from a former Realtor (me). Thanks for the laughs!