Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Flickr Fun

I’ve been thinking of marriage lately.

Maybe it has something to do with the Miss USA pageant and Miss California’s answer to Perez Hilton’s question on Prop 8. When I saw her answer on the news I know the same thing went through your head that went through mine:

“They still have beauty pageants?”

Seriously, I thought these things were canceled once women discovered they could become celebrities simply by eating live insects or group dating on TV. And don’t believe the paying-for-college hype. Having been in a pageant, they’re expensive once you throw in a gown and “minor” cosmetic enhancements, which is why you see women selling their eggs on Craig’s List for tuition.

But apparently, pageants still exist.

Thus upon looking at the news and wondering if they’d forgotten the true definition of news (Suri Cruise turned 3? Really?) I got to see the saga unfold. It goes like this: a tall, skinny, blonde with veneers and a slight fake tan who was asked about the stimulus package (Miss North Carolina) won the title over a tall, skinny blonde with veneers and a deeper fake tan asked about same-sex marriage (Miss California). When they showed the close up picture of the top five contestants I was reminded that, while cloning may be illegal, it apparently exists…

As does extreme dieting.

People wonder how a contestant could be asked about politics. To which I say, did you think the judges were going to ask, “Which do you like better, puppies or kittens?” There's a name for a pageant without political questions: Miss Hawaiian Tropic. In the pageant I entered we were asked about Clinton cabinet members, Bosnia, affirmative action, abortion, domestic violence, the Rwandan genocide, gay rights, you name it, they asked. My final question was to give my opinion on whether or not the Republican Party should spend $4 million to investigate the Democratic Party. (Since I knew I wasn’t going to win due to thigh issues, I gave my actual opinion, which is pretty funny looking back.) Right now Miss California states she would have won if she answered the question differently. To which I say, maybe. Because I wonder about people who have such faith in their accomplishments and greatness that they cannot fathom that anyone else could be better than them. Hey, even Tiger Woods lost the Masters. Does it even matter? If the top two contestants were placed in a police line up no one would be able to differentiate between them. Besides, what does Miss USA actually do? Cut ribbons at supermarkets? Smile for the camera and wave? So maybe, just maybe Miss California would have won had she answered differently, if by differently she means:

1. Not stumbling. (How many times did she say "in my" in 30 seconds?)
2. Moving her forehead instead of giving us a vacant, Botoxed stare.
3. Using existing terms instead of making one up on the spot. (Opposite marriage???)
4. Answering the question she was asked.

Lost in the hype is the fact that she didn’t actually answer the given question. But her non-answer got me thinking about “opposite marriage.” Such as, what is opposite marriage? Is it when spouses decide it’s best if they live on opposite sides of the country? Is it like the couples I know who don’t believe in divorce and thus they’ve divided the house War of the Roses style while trying to convince their kids it’s perfectly normal? Then I thought, "Maybe I should get married soon. I don't have anyone in mind as of yet, but I've had my eye on a few kitchen appliances. Perhaps I could pull a Carrie Bradshaw get-married-to-yourself thing and make a huge gift list. Didn't I put that on my to do list last year when I wanted to buy that BowFlex Treadclimber?" And, with all these thoughts of marriage, I was soon thinking about something that all of us, both opposite and same, can loathe together:

Ugly bridesmaid dresses.

Unfortunately, I am not able to state I’ve remain unscathed by horrible bridesmaid dresses, but the day I give birth to quadruplets is the day I will post unflattering pictures of myself online. However, there are plenty of people online willing to showcase how they love their friends so much they're willing to dress up like killer klowns from outer space.

Going into the Creative Commons portion of Flickr, I discovered this picture taken by Haundreis. His comment to the bridesmaids: "Someday, it will be your turn." My question: your turn to what? Corner the bride in a dark alley? In my world, friends don't dress friends in fuchsia leather bustiers, lime green shawls, and bizarre colored corsages. (Are those seed pearls I see hanging out of the flowers???)

This is just one of many hideous dresses one can find on Flickr, though there aren't nearly as many found in the Creative Commons portion. To find more, go to Flickr and type in "ugly bridesmaid dresses." Have fun (but don't get any ideas, got it?)


  1. Right on!

    Can you share a little of that answer you gave concerning the Republicans investigating the Democrats? It must've been a doozy...

  2. It was something along the lines of: "While the Democrats may have done something wrong, I'm pretty sure the Republicans did, too, so before they spend $4 million digging into someone else's backyard, they should start with their own. Thank you!"

  3. I have one problem reading your blog, and that's if I'm drinking anything at the time, it will come out my nose because I'm laughing so hard. Thanks for the hilarity!

  4. Chris---speechless about my response or by the hideous dresses?

  5. This is my favorite blog, hilarious!

  6. Just admit it- you watched the whole thing...

  7. I can't believe nobody else has asked, so I guess I'll be the crass person who does: What pagent were you in, where was it held, and how old were you at the time???? I think of you as such a really genuine person that I have difficulty imagining you in a pagent, which, apparently, I don't know how to spell. Anyway, I think you should consider abandoning libraries and going into stand-up. Keep on blogging!!

  8. Jami, I did not watch! My cable was out, so I spent time talking to Comcast about how I needed a credit for the day and how you should block out Viewer on Demand when you have house guests. (A woman with friends in from Germny was shocked when she got a 4 figure bill.)

    Barbera, I was 18 when I entered Miss Contra Costa County/Greater East Bay---it was a duel pageant. The women in it were really nice, but I did learn about the ugly side of pageants---they really do use duct tape. (Ouch!)